It’s not uncommon in the SLB Message Board for us to chat about the chain of command should the incumbent commissioner find himself on the wrong-end of a plane crash, hit by a bus, or dead because of his reckless approach to nutrition and health.
It’s generally been perceived that there is one logical heir to the commissionership should the aforementioned scenarios come to pass and lead to the demise of the current commish. To further clarify things, I have ranked the potential commissioners from worst to the least worst.
Consider this the inverse order of how we will divvy up commissionership upon my death.
1. G-Doggy – pays attention once every couple of months for a few days at a time. No trade would ever get approved. He has to ask me every season where his roster is and who had had on his team. He might still draft Mariano Rivera this year. Not the guy you want at the helm.
2. Grant – may actually think we’re playing fantasy football based on his track record…also he likes Rush and is rarely in attendance. I feel like, organizationally, he might have the chops for it, but I think the league would rise up and slay him a week into the job when he starts throwing down Commissioner Decrees about Quality Starts and Mt. Dew consumption.
3. Travis – he’s a god damned lunatic who wants to abolish all non-trade moves and force teams to rely entirely on how good of a draft they have and how easily they’re able to rape and pillage Grant’s team in trade talks. The league would take on a very North Korea-vibe and anyone who questioned or opposed the commissioner would likely have an “accident” and be removed from the league.
4. Morgan – the man’s sleep schedule would not mesh with angry managers prompting trade approvals, guaranteed he’d kick six or seven teams out by the All-Star break. He also has proven to be, um, volatile at times when harassed and – similar to Travis, above – it seems apparent that some of y’all would be murdered at the hands of the new commish.
5. Jay – he’s the Groundhog. That is NOT an effective way to manage a very active, very vocal league.
6. John – he’s too damn likable. People love to get mad at the commish and yell at him for things and that wouldn’t work with John. Plus, he’s the INAGURAL CHAMPION – he already has a full docket of promotional endeavors for the league that cannot be encroached upon.
7. Craiggers – if we’re being honest, I can’t imagine a world where he’d want this gig. Craiggers seems plenty content to make amazing databases and be the league’s resident tech wizard, but when the yelling starts and people need a resolution, he’s probably got half-a-bottle of whiskey in his belly and he’s disappeared into a vape cloud. That’s not his bag, baybay.
8. Collin – this is the real wild card. He is well-liked and respected in the league. He’s been around for quite some time now and has a solid handle on the league’s history. He’s responsive and active. He keeps crazy hours, especially during the season. I just can’t imagine he’d want to deal with it. He’s a chill fella. This gig does not provide chill.
9. Levi – this was a tricky one. I think Levi has the perfect temperament to handle the role, but he falls off the grid for large chunks of time and that would not work well when Travis is texting him 18 times a day to approve a trade. He also seems self-aware enough to laugh in the face of my lawyer when he offers him the role, stir his cocktail, and walk away without taking on this band of misfits as his problem.
10. Justin – similar to John, he might be too likeable for the role. He’s doesn’t have that same “scream at a room full of people” nature that Mike and Steven do, but he has the respect of the entire league and a great track record of success. He’s almost always responsive and – aside from some potential concerns about the commissioner also making 10,000 trades a year – he strikes me as one of the safest bets to avoid an uprising.
11. Adam – he’s your best non-Kunkel option. He’s online all the time, responsive, and progressive in his thinking for league improvement based on his track record in the amendments process. He’s well-respected and carries some gravitas from his coaching experience. Plus, he’s the logo guy. Logo guy always earns points.
12. Mike – he’s loud. He’s brash. He’s wildly unlikable. All of that said, he gets things done. He’ll yell over the crowd long enough to make his voice heard and he’s got loads of practice using angry dad voice when necessary.
13. Steven – he’s our guy. He’s got the organizational skills. This is based on his track record running that other league and his long-term record keeping and screen-shotting skills. He’s got just enough patience to handle all of the jerks in this league…he’s the guy.
So there you have it, the unequivocal rankings from worst to least worst.
If my plane hits a mountain or a blimp or a pterodactyl or something on the way to this year’s draft, we have an official succession plan for commissionership.
Also, in an effort to improve league diversity and inclusion, the new commissioner will be tasked with replacing my spot in the league with an under-represented minority. Racism isn’t cool.