This afternoon a handful of us were chatting about Collin’s foray into home brewing and we were pumped about the prospect of sampling some of the Brand’s Brew creations he might cook up.
It got us thinking that he should create a commemorative batch of home brew for the next SLB Draft.
This initially led to us thinking up a slew of awesome SLB-themed beer names including: Salmon League Lager, Round Six Segura Stout, Grant-is-Garbage Gose, Dome Dog Double IPA, SeaBass Saison, Hold-Up, There’s a Problem with the Draft Tool Session Ale (note: this one will need to be a session ale or you’ll die drinking one every time the namesake situation arises), SL Disappointments Dark, Four Kunkel Dunkel, maibock grubbers, InSaNeAppLeJuIcE, SLB Golden Fishy (note: this is like Michelob Golden, but aged in a bucket with all of the pre-modern era championship trophies), 38MPH Hefeweizen, Genies in a Bock-le, SeaBass Smoked Stout, SalmonKings 4 Fishy Flemish, Big Magoo Maibock, etc.
The list really could go on.
Morgan suggested (perhaps jokingly?) that we could all try our hand at brewing for the next draft.
Given that all I’ve ingested today is sparkling water and multiple pots of coffee, I ran with the idea and figured we could each be tasked with brewing our own beer and then we’d have an official BREW-OFF at the draft where we’d each bring our sample and do a tasting to determine the best SLBrewer!
Here is how I figured it’d go down for every team:
Morgan hasn’t slept for eight days before the draft and certainly hasn’t thought about brewing his own beer. He shows up with six-kinds of chip dip, four crock pots, and no beer. No one complains.
Adam gets caught up in creating perfect labels and he forgets to brew any beer.
John is annoyed at how long brewing takes and brings a case of Keystone he grabbed at the gas station just before pulling up to the draft.
Mike pays someone else to brew for him, but won’t drink or touch any beer himself. He doesn’t like beer (perhaps you’ve heard?). He sips some fancy wine and later switches to a fine whiskey for a nightcap.
Craiggers just pours whiskey into some mismatched empty beer bottles and doesn’t fuck around with brewing at all. He doesn’t even change the labels or re-cap the beer. Craiggers gonna Craiggers.
G-Doggy buys some Johnny Appleseed or whatever on the way up and duct tapes over the label and then scrawls out “InSaNeAppLeJuIcE” in his serial killer handwriting with a Sharpie.
Jay pretends he doesn’t care and we have no idea if he’s even participating in the brew-off. Meanwhile, he secretly opens a fully-functioning brewery without ever alerting anyone. He shows up on draft day with some good beer, but plays coy about the entire thing.
Graves drinks all of his beer before his flight leaves Boston. He purchases a bunch of beer when he gets to the Midwest, but he drinks all of that too. He does not win (or, quite likely, even remember) the brew-off.
Levi doesn’t have time for this lowbrow beer brewing bullshit. He hires a personal bartender to make cocktails for the evening. He is most certainly wearing a jacket with tails and a monocle.
Travis and Grant didn’t know it was happening. They blame the lack of updates and web-presence. They would like to propose amendments about us “starting a website” and adding “quality starts” to the scoring, but they have no idea how/where one might do such a thing. They are the worst.
Steven overthinks the entire process and spends all winter trying to be smarter than everyone else and brews a disappointing, mediocre beer; clearly crumbling under the pressure of heightened expectations.
Justin borrows Steven’s recipe, but tweaks it and brews a way better beer…but he trades the beer to Travis on brew-off day for FAAB dollars and Hanley Ramirez, thus Travis has the better beer.
Collin shows up with legit beer, serves everyone a refreshing Salmon League Lager, and wins the whole fucking thing.