In preparation for the 2013 draft, I’ve come up with 10 important reminders for draft day.
Read them carefully. Study them. Commit them to memory. Act upon all of them.
That is all.
1) Bring $40 cash to pay your league dues. Bring exactly $40. Last year, I had people who didn’t have the full amount and I had people paying with loose change. That’s horseshit. You’re all adults. You all have jobs. You all know how to use an ATM. ATMs give out $20 bills. Get two of them and then hand them to me. It’s that simple. If you cannot handle this, you are the royal emperor of fuckuppery.
2) I’ll have your draft sheets ready and waiting for you. I’ll collect them at the end of the draft and enter all of the rosters into Yahoo! Naturally, some of you may want to be at the ready to scramble and pick up free agents afterwards. Don’t rush me, I’ll punch you in the nuts and wait three days to confirm the rosters.
3) Bring coolers, pillows, blankets, air mattresses, etc. for Craiggers’ place. The fridge will not be the beer vessel it was two years ago as the house will still be in use as, well, a house and not a modern-day frat den during our stay. Coolers and ice will prove important.
4) Bring some extra cash to pay for things like food, beer, ice, etc. as we’ll probably need to makes a couple of runs for these essentials. No one wants to get screwed over on the costs on any of this stuff. All too often the host ends up paying out the most simply by default. Host does not equal provider, it simply means host.
5) Bring a roll of toilet paper.
This applies to everyone. Grab one from your bathroom on your way out the door. Throw it in the passenger seat. The place has two poopers and if history repeats itself, they’ll both be in use…a lot.
6) Towels? Deodorant? Air fresheners? Etc…it’s a basement full of dudes who have been drinking and likely eating buffalo wings or pizza or charred animal flesh. It’s gonna be unpleasant. Period. Come prepared to shower and/or at the very least keep yourself respectable.
7) If you don’t bring your own list of players, no one should provide you with one. This is the punishment you deserve. You have brought this upon yourself. Draft from memory of who plays in the big leagues. Good luck with that.
(Note: This rule does not apply if the airline loses my notes. Naturally, I am exempt from any rule that involves punishment.)
8) Rumor has it the weather is going to be shitty and we’re going to spend a lot of quality time indoors. If you’ve got some cool board games or card games or something, this would be a fine weekend to bring them along. Hell, we could do a long, multi-hour Strat-O-Matic draft to kill time if we really wanted to keep things lively.
9) Do not, under any circumstances, poop in the sock drawer.
10) I’d like someone to take Mike’s pen away from him before every one of my draft picks. You can give it back after the next person has picked. I assume that will give him sufficient time to cool down and avoid trying to blind me with an ink-filled projectile.